Fatherhood

Image source: sheknows.com

Today I was thinking back to something I wrote 17 years ago.  It's just as true today.  God is a good Father... and He loves His children.  

Last week my wife gave birth to our 2nd child… a little girl we named Ashton.  It didn’t come soon enough!  Nine months… it doesn’t seem too long.  Unless you’re in school awaiting summer break, or away from your loved ones, or pregnant.   Then nine months can seem like an eternity.

I remember the first time I held her… she was wrinkly and cried a lot.   She was incapable of showing love and affection or appreciation.  She didn’t ask to be born and certainly didn’t seem to like the experience much.  She brought nothing to the table.  She had nothing to offer me… well, nothing I needed anyway.

But I had this incredible, overwhelming emotional experience.  I was so excited and so in awe all at the same time.  I was filled with such pride… this was MY little girl!  I would do anything to make her happy.  Nothing was too good for her.  I would give my life to keep anyone from ever hurting her.  Here she was, not even 15 minutes old yet, and my life was forever changed!  I would never be the same.

Driving home a few days later, I began to think of how God, our Heavenly Father, must feel.  We have absolutely nothing to offer Him.  He revealed Himself to Moses in the burning bush experience as “I AM THAT I AM.”  He is totally self-sufficient!  He doesn’t need humans to make Him feel important.  He doesn’t keep us around for self-esteem purposes.  He chooses to use us for the fulfillment of His plan, but He could easily invented with another way.

I’m convinced that He created us because He wanted someone to share His love with.

But when God, our kind and loving Savior God, stepped in, he saved us from all that. It was all his doing; we had nothing to do with it. He gave us a good bath, and we came out of it new people, washed inside and out by the Holy Spirit. – Titus 3:4-5

The Apostle Paul wrote that it is not because of good works that we have done, but because of God's great mercy that He has chosen us (Titus 3:5).  We could never be good enough, or good-looking enough, or do enough or be loveable enough to earn a relationship or favor with Him.  He loves us because He has decided to love us.  HE LOVES US BECAUSE WE ARE HIS CHILDREN!  How His heart must beam with pride over us, even when we mess our pants or spit up or cry (spiritually speaking).  No matter what we do - even if we choose a life without Him - He claims us as His children and loves us unconditionally.   How incredible!  And how totally unlike us!  His mercy never wears out or comes to an end (Lamentations 3:21-23 and 1 Corinthians 13:8).

You are completely loved by your Heavenly Father.  He could never love you any more or any less.  And He invites you to live in a deeply connected relationship with him.  It's up to you.

I Lost A Student Today

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We were told last night that a young man from one of our past youth groups ended his own life last week.  He was a sharp college student in California with a promising basketball career.   When we were his youth pastors he was just beginning high school.

It hit Robin and I quite hard.  Our hearts go out to his family.  His parents were very loving and supportive, as were his siblings.  We have been praying for them a lot since we learned of the tragedy.

While we will never know just what he was truly struggling with, we do know that he was loved everywhere he went.  He was respectful, courteous and kind.  When we knew him he had a deep love for God, even though he was fairly shy.  Apparently he came out of his shell as he grew older.

It got me to thinking... youth pastors only have a few years with the students God sends them.  These students have real hopes and dreams, and have been created by God for a significant purpose.  Unfortunately they also bear all-too-real hurts, disappointments and pain.  Many carry hidden scars.

Sadly we sometimes get too busy to notice that the people around us are hurting.  When I was a youth pastor at a megachurch I was often so busy preparing to minister to students that I missed God-given opportunities to connect with them.  What's really dumb about this is that these same students were the very reason I was there in the first place.  How crazy is it to be too busy getting ready to invest in students, only to miss the face to face opportunity to do so?!?!

Becoming a Better Lover

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Like that title? I thought it might pique your interest. I want to take a few moments and consider how growing in your relationship with Jesus can make you a better lover.

I guess maybe I should give you some background. A number of years ago I taught a series called “Redefining Relationships“ to a college group. As usual, we talked about everything from friendships to sexuality. Since this church was made up primarily of singles, this subject hit home with many of the group members. Those that weren’t facing the battles of purity were still surrounded by sexuality from the media and pop culture at every turn.

Anyway, in this series, I made a passing reference to the fact that becoming more intimate with Christ can make you a better lover. I got quite a bit of response from that statement, so I decided to develop the thought further. I thought this would also be a good subject for married couples. A healthy marriage is like a healthy garden… it requires a lot of effort to weed, water, feed and nurture, but the results are well worth it.

So, I want you to drop your religious inhibitions, take off your holier-than-thou glasses and track with me as we delve into the subject of becoming a better lover. Maybe it would be best if we started with a verse or two from the Bible, so you won’t think I’ve gone off the deep end.

We Are Visitors (series)

When we first moved to southwestern Germany in 2007 we felt as if our season as associate pastors had come to an end.  We began to coach and mentor pastors and church leadership teams across Western Europe.  We also had to find a church for our family to attend.  It was our first time in over 20 years that we were visiting churches (over 20 of them) in order to choose one as our spiritual home.  We were looking at churches from a consumer's point of view - as outsiders rather than insiders.  This was truly an eye-opening experience!

While visiting these churches we noticed some areas (that were unfortunately fairly consistent in the churches we visited) that could definitely deter a visitor from returning.  This following blog series shares some of our thoughts about this.

We Are Visitors - part 1
We Are Visitors - part 2

We Are Visitors - part 3
We Are Visitors - part 4
We Are Visitors - part 5
We Are Visitors - part 6
We Are Visitors - part 7
We Are Visitors - part 8
We Are Visitors - part 9
We Are Visitors - part 10
We Are Visitors - part 11

New church planting blog: Courageous Confrontation

New Watermark Freiburg (Church Planting Blog): "Courageous Confrontation" - http://t.co/2q45D8BZ

Seeking Closure

Those that have been involved in abusive relationships (whether physical, emotional or spiritual) often  have a lot of emotional baggage.  And many that have "survived" try to find some sort of closure.  It's a normal part of the grieving process.  Unfortunately, that's not always possible. 

Here's my story...

Early on in ministry I worked for a manipulative, controlling person.  This person "dispensed and withdrew acceptance" (to quote from Robert S. McGee's excellent book, The Search for Significance) as a way of controlling people.  If a person did what he wanted, he/she was lavished with love and acceptance... sometimes, even with praise, especially early on in the relationship.  But if he/she didn't do as expected, desired, etc, this minister made sure everyone knew that he was displeased, and the person was excluded from the "inner circle."

This minister even made it a point to use sermon illustrations that those in the inner circle knew were obviously directed at the "offender", but everyone else listening to the message would have no clue about.  He would make fun of them, talk demeaningly about them or gossip about them to other inner circle people, but never to the offender him-/herself.  But he made sure the offender found out about what was said.  And everyone else was afraid to cross this minister, for fear of being the target of his aggression.

Unfortunately, at one point Robin and I became the offenders.  We were instantly ousted from the inner circle.  It got to the point that when Robin would go up to talk with this minister's wife in public, she would literally turn her back on Robin and continue the conversation.  Childish, no?

Honestly, this is really nothing more than a spiritual version of the playground bully, using fear and intimidation as a weapon.

Thankfully, we moved on and took another ministry position and experienced what a healthy church looks like.

Over the years that followed, I tried to get closure by sending notes and emails.  I thanked this person for giving me a start in ministry, for taking a chance on me, etc.  No reply... nada, nothing, zilch.  I even tried going through the one friend I still had on staff in that organization to confirm that this minister received my message.  Still nothing.

Eventually my friend invited me to be a guest speaker at one of his youth services.  I expected this minister to come over afterward and at least say the obligatory hello.  Didn't happen.  He sent one of his inner circle people to relay the message that he and his wife were tired and wouldn't be coming

All I wanted was for him to acknowledge that I was okay... that I had done well for myself.  I didn't need an apology... just an acknowledgement that I existed.  It never happened.

Finally I understood what Robin had been telling me all along: I was seeking something I was never going to get.  The problem is that when you're dealing with manipulative, controlling and abusive people, you'll never get this closure you're looking for.  This is a way they can continue to punish you for not remaining in the abusive relationship.  And as long as you keep trying to find peace with this person, it remains a codependent relationship.

Sometimes the abusive person is so selfish it's as if they're not capable of give you the closure you so desire.  I'm not excusing what's been done to you... just trying to provide some perspective.

Continuing to seek closure from an abuser will cause you needless stress, heartache and pain... sometimes even health problems.  You are continuing to lay yourself out as a doormat for them to wipe their feet on.  It's as if you're giving them the remote control to your happiness.  I never want to give someone else that much control over my well-being.

I recently spoke with a friend that is dealing with this very thing.  This is what I told her:

Please understand that we want the best for you. But in order for you to go on mentally, emotionally and spiritually, you're going to have to let this go. You're seeking something that you're not going to get. I learned this the hard way myself. 

You don't need this person's approval/connection/whatever to live a happy, healthy life. If you want closure, you'll need to create that yourself.

If it's bothering you this much, maybe you should create some type of ceremony and officially let this go.  Maybe you could write what you feel on a piece of paper and then burn it as a way of offering it up to God. Then anytime those feelings about this come back, say, "No, I won't let those feelings control me anymore. I gave this over to God already."

I hope this post helps you in some way process some baggage you may have accumulated over the years.  I'd be interested in your comments.

Stop Spamming My Blog!

I just confronted another blogger that thought the way to increase traffic to his website was to keep commenting: "You are invited to visit my blog" on our Perrin Family Blog.  This is an excerpt from what I emailed him...

While I understand that you would like me and our other readers to visit your blog, this is a guaranteed way to keep people away from your blog.  In a sense, it is a way of hijacking our blog and our readers, and this is not acceptable.  And our readers are the type that would never visit the blog of someone that posted such things, so it's actually counter-productive.  

The best way to get someone to visit your blog is to make comments that add value to the discussion... this generates interest in the author of the comment and what else they might have to say.  One way we have attracted new readers is by posting interesting comments on other blogs that pertain to the subject matter.  This communicates respect to both the author of the blog and to their readers.

These "Visit my blog" comments are unrequested and unwanted (read: SPAM) that I end up deleting each time.  Please refrain from commenting on this blog again unless you have an actual comment that adds value to the discussion...

If you desire to create an audience, you have to give them a reason to visit your blog (great content), and generate traffic based on personal relationships and thought-provoking comments on other blogs.  Seth Godin has some great thoughts about this on his Blog.  In one post he writes, "Anticipated, personal and relevant advertising always does better than unsolicited junk."  Absolutely true!

Free Bible Study Discussion Guides!

A few years ago Robin and I wrote a series of Bible Study Discussion Guides for a local church in Bonn, Germany.  The small group program at this church had become basically teaching groups (old school Bible studies).

In an effort to revitalize the small group program, we started writing our own curriculum, which was translated into German.  The purpose of these Discussion Guides is to both build relationships and learn spiritual principles.  The result was better than we expected!

We have an entire year’s worth of weekly Small Group lessons (52 lessons) in 4 main themes (including 26 lessons on Spiritual Disciplines). And we want to give them away for free.

Click on this link to download the free Discussion Guides (zip file): Small Group Discussion Guides (English)